Serpent Tongue
by Serpent Tongue
Summary: Who is Serpent Tongue, the famous agony aunt, why does her sarcasm seem strangely familiar, and why does Snape know so much about her?


Disclaimer: I do not, nor will I ever, own Harry Potter or his associates.  That honour belongs to J. K. Rowling alone.  I am not making any money out of this fan fiction, so please don't sue me.  

Spoilers:_ All four books so far, just to be safe._

Written by: _"Serpent Tongue"_

Email:_ serpent_tongue@hotmail.com_

SERPENT TONGUE

Chapter 1: _"Witch Weepy"_

Hermione reached up to grab the glossy magazine that was about to slip from the grasp of a large tawny owl.  She looked forward to receiving her weekly copy of "Witch Weepy" with as much enthusiasm as she had memorised her new timetable in the first year at Hogwarts. "Witch Weepy" was undeniably the most fashionable magazine for teenage witches, as popular among the young as "Witch Weekly" was with the middle aged.  

The excited squeal of girls filled the Great Hall as the entire female population of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry escaped with their favourite publication in order to peruse it in the comfort of their common rooms.  It had been a weekly ritual since the magazine had first been published two months ago, but more disturbing was the obvious delight among the boys who were trying hard to appear disinterested.  The men were clearly itching to run after their friends and read the magazine too.

'Insufferable fools,' Severus Snape snorted at the stampede.  'Have they no shame?  Why would anyone want to spend their weekend reading about make-up tips, pop stars, horoscopes, and fictitious love triangles?'  Lupin looked amused.

'Since when have you been such an expert on the reading habits of hormonal teenagers?' he teased gently.  'Don't tell me you're really a closet reader of "Witch Weepy"!'

'Don't be so stupid!  Why would I be interested in such immature nonsense?  I should infinitely prefer a first edition copy of "Most Potent Potions".'

'Ah, yes Severus, of course you would.  We believe you.'  Lupin stood up to leave the staff table, but not before leaning down to whisper in his colleague's ear.  'Don't worry, your secret's safe with me!'

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Severus was in a bad mood, despite the fact it was Saturday, and no doubt the squeals of delight in the Great Hall were not unconnected.  He burst in to the staff room to find the entire teaching body poring over the aforementioned publication.

'This is so informative!  I never realised pale skin looked better with a brown swimming costume than with black.  Do you think we should tell Severus?'  They all apparently found this hilarious, oblivious to the Potion Master's presence in the room.

'Thank you, Minerva.  I only wish I had known that before I splashed out on a new pair of Speedos just last week.'  The comment lacked none of its usual sarcasm, but did not have the desired effect when his colleagues deigned to laugh at the joke.  

'Now now, Severus, she's only trying to help.'  Dumbledore had a twinkle in his eye that the teacher mistrusted.  'Perhaps you could do with the make-up tips as well.  A touch of blusher would brighten up your cheeks no end; you could do with a spot of colour.  What do you think?'  Professor Snape was not going to dignify that with an answer, so he stormed off; the sound of laughter receding as he headed towards the sanctuary of his dank dungeons.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

'Come on Hermione, turn to page 49.  We want to read the problem pages.  They're the best bit!'  Hermione arched an eyebrow at the occupants of the fifth year boys' dormitory, who had the decency to blush, but conceded.  The fifth year Gryffindors were all crowded round her magazine, which she was reading aloud.

_'Dear Serpent Tongue,_

_my best friend and I have crushes on the same boy, and it is starting to strain our relationship.  He is so good looking, intelligent, shrewd and wealthy, I have to make a conscious effort not to drool when we're with him.  His hair is like moonshine; so angelic.  I don't know what to do, because I miss my friend already.  _

_Yours in need, _

_"Flower".'_

_'Dear "Flower",_

_maybe you would not miss your best friend so much if you had others to replace her with.  I am guessing that neither one of you has successfully won over the object of your affections, and therefore do not understand why the two of you cannot remain friends.  Having another idiot with whom you may discuss your juvenile infatuation may be of some comfort at this time, as I am sure any other confidant would be less than sympathetic, and would perhaps even ridicule you.  _

_Serpent Tongue.'_

'I bet that was Hannah Abbott and Susan Bones from Hufflepuff.  They've been mooning over Justin Finch-Fletchley for weeks now!'  The friends entertained themselves by guessing at the identity of the mysterious "Flower".  'They probably attend Hogwarts, since it's the only wizarding school in Britain.'

'I know, imagine if it was Millicent Bulstrode and Pansy Parkinson!  They have been competing for Malfoy since the first year, and have been ignoring each other for a few days.'  The Gryffindors agreed that Harry's was the most likely solution, and wanted to use this piece of information against the hated Slytherins.

'Who do you reckon "Serpent Tongue" is?'  Hermione asked.

'Oooh, do you think it's Rita Skeeter?  She wrote some pretty caustic comments about Harry in the Daily Prophet last year.  I wouldn't put it past her.'  Lavender Brown was convinced.

'No, it isn't her.'  Hermione winked at Ron and Harry, who knew Skeeter would not be writing for a few more months, after Hermione discovered her illegal animagus form.  However, a more convincing argument would be required to convince her other friends of Skeeter's blamelessness.  'Besides, she would have her name flashing across the top of the column.  The woman wants all the publicity she can get, and would not pass by such an opportunity, especially since the whole of the Wizarding World is trying to guess at Serpent Tongue's true identity.'

'I agree,' Harry added.  'Plus, the name suggests the person was a Slytherin, whose House logo is a serpent.'  The debate raged on, but the children could not find any plausible candidates.  They were all dying to know the true identity of the Wizarding World's most famous Agony Aunt.

_______ CH 1 end _______

Notes:Did you like it?  Please review or email me with helpful hints and suggestions, praise if you liked it, and constructive criticism if there was anything you would have done differently.  Any ideas for other problems that you would like me to include are much appreciated.  

PLEASE REVIEW

Serpent Tongue

serpent_tongue@hotmail.com 


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